YANKEES SIGN 70 YEAR OLD SLUGGER

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

NYT NEWS FLASH-YANKEES SIGN 70 YEAR-OLD SLUGGER

NEW YORK TIMES NEWS BULLETIN:
YANKEES SIGN 70-YEAR-OLD ROOKIE! SLUGGER PETE BAGNOLO HAS AGREED TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT AT AGE 70. HIS COMPENSATION INCLUDES A MULTI-DOLLAR INCENTIVE PLAN IN WHICH HE COULD MAKE AS MUCH AS THE PEANUT VENDOR IF HE SUCCEEDS!

BAGNOLO, WHOSE LAST YEAR IN PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL WAS IN 1978, BUT WHOSE LAST AT BAT IN A SEASON AS AN AMATEUR WAS IN 1988, SAYS, “OH HELL, I WEIGH AS MUCH NOW AS I DID IN 1988, SO WHY NOT? ALSO I HAVE LOST SOME HAIR WHICH CONSIDERING THE MANE I WORE IN ’88, THERE SHOULD BE LESS WIND RESISTANCE WHEN RUNNING, IF I AM EVEN ABLE TO RUN WITH MY ARTHRITIS!”

THE YANKEES SAY HE WILL BAT 3RD IN A POWER LADEN LINEUP. ASKED FOR A PREDICTION BAGNOLO SAID, “I HOPE I HIT AT LEAST WIFE LINDA’S WEIGHT, OR AT WORST MY SHOE SIZE!” WE INTERVIEWED HIS FORMER MGR., JOEY COSTELLO WHO SAID, “I DON’T KNOW, THEY USED TO CALL HIM THE BIG-GUY WHEN HE PLAYED FOR ME AND HE WAS A GREAT WINDOW-MAN WHEN CRUISING TO PICK UP GIRLS IN THOSE DAYS.”

HOWEVER, HIS ARCH-RIVAL, JIMMY HICKY, FROM WHICH BAGNOLO STOLE 7 MVP’S AND 7 TRIPLE CROWNS SAID, “HE CAME RIGHT INTO MY TROPHY ROOM AND TOOK MY MVP AND TRIPLE CROWN AWARDS. WELL HE ALWAYS WAS A GOOD BASE STEALER, SO WHAT CAN YOU SAY?

“I SEE JOEY (MGR JOEY COSTELLO) SAYS BAGGY WAS CALLED THE BIG GUY. WELL, TRUTH IS THEY ONLY CALLED HIM THAT BECAUSE HE WAS BIG AND HE WAS A GUY AND THAT’S ALL! BUT HELL, I WAS BIGGER AND I WAS ALSO A GUY, BUT THEY NEVER CALLED ME THAT. INSTEAD THEY ALWAYS CALLED ME THE BIG SOB!”

BAGNOLO DID NOT SIGN A MINOR LEAGUE CONTRACT AS EXPECTED, HE INSTEAD SIGNED A PARK LEAGUE CONTRACT, BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO SIGN A LITTLE-LEAGUE CONTRACT.

BAGNOLO, SAID, “I USED TO PLAY AT COLUMBUS PARK, GRANT PARK, GARFIELD PARK, RIIS PARK, SHABBONNA PARK, LAKE ZURICH FIELD, GLENVIEW NAVAL AIR BASE, JOLIET STATE PRISON AND POINTS WEST IN THE OLD MIDWEST TRAVELING LEAGUE. I SCORED A LOT WHEN I WAS YOUNG. I ONCE I EVEN MADE THE BLOOMER GIRLS PIN-UP ALL-STAR TEAM! …BUT I THINK THAT WAS NOT FOR BASEBALL!”

BAGNOLO STILL HAS SOME OF THE BATS HE ORDERED WHEN HE SIGNED WITH THE ST. LOUIS BROWNS. OVER THE YEARS, HE LOST A FEW. “SOME GUY LAYING CARPET FOR ME STOLE ONE RIGHT OFF MY MANTLE AND I BROKE A COUPLE OVER HIS HEAD WHEN I CAUGHT UP WITH HIM. SO I AM DOWN 3 BATS.”

BAGNOLO SAID. “IF BUSH HADN’T GOTTEN ELECTED, I WOULD NEVER HAVE COME BACK, BUT WHEN I RETIRED I HAD A $10,000 A MONTH INCOME, NOT BAD, BUT NOW WITH BUSH WARS AND INFLATION, I NEED A FEW MORE BUCKS. AS IT IS I CAN’T EVEN AFFORD TO BUY NEW SPIKES OR ORDER BATS, SO I AM USING MY WALKING CANE FOR A BAT, UNTIL MY FIRST PAYCHECK.”

ALL KIDDING ASIDE BAGNOLO THINKS HE CAN WIN THE TRIPLE CROWN IN HIS ROOKIE YEAR, “ESPECIALLY IF THEY LET ME PLAY EXCLUSIVELY AGAINST THE CUBS PITCHING STAFF,” WHEN TOLD THE CUBS WERE IN THE NATIONAL LEAGUE, BAGNOLO BEGAN TO WHIMPER AUDIBLY.

Posted by PETE BAGNOLO at 11:01 AM