YANKEES 70-YEAR OLD ROOKIE INVITED TO SPRING TRAINING AND DINES WITH GW BUSH!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

YANKEES 70-YEAR-OLD ROOKIE INVITED TO SPRING TRAINING, AND DINES WITH GW BUSH!

It was confirmed today that the Yankees officially tendered 70-year-old rookie phenomenon, Pete Bagnolo, an invitation to spring training camp and a contract through November 2007. The details and figures of the new contract were not released. Nevertheless, we do know that the day after he signed the new contract, Bagnolo, sold his VW BUG and bought an Acura NSX with the bonus. “My contract does have a strong incentives clause, so whatever it takes,” he said, in the interview, which follows.

“To what did you feel owed you owe great display of power and success?”

“I eat only organic foods. They have an organic cereal called Wheatioeiods! I eat it every morning. It keeps my strength up because I eat a stick to the ribs balanced breakfast, ham, eggs,… and Wheatioeiods! keeps me regular!”

Bagnolo, to everyone’s surprise hit .429, with 3 homeruns and 21 RBI’s in 25 games, with 3 hits and a walk in 6 pinch-hit appearances, including a pinch, walk-off, two run homer, thus starring in Rookie League Camp, The biggest surprise, however, was his 5 stolen bases and a sliding, triple.

When asked about this incredible performance for a man his age he simply said, “I just take it a game at a time, one base at a time, one pitch at a time, one girl at a time. Just kidding honey,” he said to the camera.

“Of course if I could hit two pitches at a time, or play three or four games at a time, and several girls at a time, that would be great, because at my age I could do a whole season in a couple of months and actually have a solid career before my arthritis acts up again.”

Asked how it felt to steal bases at his age, he said, “Well, with the first steal just before I started dating Tiffani, the 23 year old TV reporter, I needed oxygen, and I needed more oxygen after my first date with Tiffani. But now I feel just fine, scoring both on the field and off it!”

I asked Pete, if, was it wise at his age, to leg out a triple, and he said, “Leg-out a triple? I know of no other way to reach third base, excepting being dropped in a parachute. Don’t know if it was wise or unwise, but I sure was a-huffing’ and a-puffin’ when I hit the ground for the slide into third. My heart was pumping so hard they had to give me a tranquilizer.”

We asked him how he was able to hit the 98 MPH slider for a triple.

“He reared back and threw, and I closed my eyes tight and swung the bat in the general direction of the hum of the ball. He just happened to be throwing right where I was swinging, low and away.”

“Slugger, how do you think you will make out in New York, you are a native Chicagoan, and NY has a tough fan base.”

“The neighborhood I come from makes Harlem look like the Hamptons, so let them worry about me, not me about them. Besides I love the Big Apple!

“Slugger, Tiffani tells us that you are scoring even more often with her, than with the Yankees, and all with no Viagra help any more. That’s even bigger for a 70 year old Rookie, right?”

“You are trying to get me into trouble, with a capital “T,” which stands for Tiffani, anyway, you have my stats and I also scored 20 times, 40 if you count Tiffani. That’s big for a 70 year old.”

“Do you think you will be playing every day in spring training, slugger?”

“You’ll have to ask Joe about that, I couldn’t say. Strategy and personnel are his decisions. However, so far they’ve given me every chance. I am just tickled to have come this far. As I said, I’m just taking it one hot dog and one beer at a time.”

“Is it true that you had polio as a kid, paralyzed for nearly two years? How did you cope with that?”

“Better than I did when I went to an all-you-can-eat buffett and only could finish one helping.”

“We hear you went to famous athlete’s surgeon Dr. Mal Practiss. What was that all about? Are you injured?”

“Yeah, I pulled a nose hair. He fixed it.”

“Seriously, are you okay, your fans want to know?”

“Except for my nose, yeah.”

“Some say you are the spokesperson, the role model for the elderly, is that true?”

“I’d like to help them out, the ones who need help, but I am no role model for anyone.”

“I hear you spoke at a rest home and hospital for the elderly. What did you say, did you give them any advice?”

“In the hospital, I told those with bad hearts and high blood pressure NOT to watch our games. Don’t want anyone going into cardiac arrest over a ball game.”

“Did they ask you for anything?”

“Some 85 year old gal asked me to sign a jock strap for her. She said that many of her peers at the home who used to be Republican’s aren’t any more. They are afraid the fascists are going to take away the Social Security and Medicare from the elderly. I told them I would speak to the president about that.”

“Oh, that’s right, the White House paid you an honor, you were invited for dinner. What did they have?”

“They asked what I would like, actually, or if there was anything I could not eat. I told them I’d like steak, steak fries or cottage fries, no lettuce, instead, a salad of avocado, tomato, palm heart and heart of Artichoke, Feta cheese, a little garlic, fresh basil, oregano, a touch of plain rice vinegar and olive oil, with plain croutons, lemon crème pie for dessert and Chocolate Devils Food cake with hard chocolate or whipped cream frosting, or both, a bottle of O’Doul’s non-alcohol beer or Dr. Pepper and a pitcher of water with lots of ice. I said I never eat fish or seafood, hate it.”

“Did the president say anything to you?”

“He asked if Sammy Sosa would have a good year and how the Rangers looked to me. He also asked me how come I threw out five Ranger runners at home plate in one game.”

“What did you say?”

“I said, I wouldn’t be able to throw them out at the home plate, if they would only stop genuflecting when they passed his box on the third base line.

“I also said that Sammy looked good and so did the Rangers. I thought they would be tough this year, Then he asked about the Washington Senators, what do they need this year? I said, with Alfonso Soriano gone to the Cubs, they need to change the team name to the Lourdes Shriners, and pray a lot to Saint Bernadette for a miracle.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, he asked how much I’d signed for and I told him, but made him promise not to say anything to the IRS. When he heard how much I was going to make this year, he said, "Wish I played baseball, that’s a Hell of a lot more than I make as president.”

“What did you say, then?”

“I said the famous Babe Ruth line, "Well, Sir, with all due respect, I’m having a Helluva lot better year than you are having, so far!" He said, "that’s fer damned sure! I wished I’d never taken this damned job. Now everyone hates me, except Dickie-Boy! What would you do if you were me?”

“Wow! The pres asking the 70-year-old Yankee rookie for advice! What did you say?”

“I said, are you sure you want me to do this? And he said, "certainly, go right ahead I am all ears. I started laughing when he said that.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s one of the few times he’s said anything truthful, and because when he grins, that silly, smirky grin, he looks like that guy in Mad magazine, Alfred E. Newman.”

“Did you tell him that?”

“Hell, No! I may not like the way he runs the country, but I was a guest at his dinner party.”

“What did you say?”

“I answered his question, but first I said, I would like to say all I want to without interruption or excuses. He agreed, so I said, 'first, fire Halliburton, then bring home the troops and hand Iraq over to the UN. Then have them, Bechtel, BlackWater and all the other contractors ante up and pay to the families of all the dead and wounded, Iraqi and American, WAR REPARATIONS."

“Fine those contractors every penny they profiteered and put the money into Social Security. Hire an independent council to investigate the reasons for going to war. Bring the three carriers steaming toward Iran, nearer to Iraq and evacuate our troops, before you evacuate the Contractors. Pass my HEALTHY WEALTHY AMERICA health care plan, by taxing the bejeepers out of companies, which outsource and those, which sell pesticides/herbicides to non-medical civilians, or for cosmetic use by anyone. Nationalize all companies, which deal in the necessities of life, and make them non-profit; I mean all the energy, fuel, water, medical, and food growers, and remove taxes from those industries. Fire the Vice President, the Attorney General, and Condi-Rice, put pressure on the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court to retire. Appoint a Blue Ribbon Panel of Bill Clinton, John Stewart, Paul O’Neil, Bill Gates, Mr. Gates Senior, Mark Cuban, and Barack Obama to oversee the Justice Department, the rebuilding of New Orleans, Iraq, turning the oil industry back into the hands of the Iraqi people, dissolving all American oil companies and turn the operations of them over to the major US universities, Hire President Chavez to oversee oil prices at the pump in America and lower the price to what it was selling for in Iraq, $00.05 a gallon, before the war and $00.12 a gallon now In Venezuela, legalize the use of Marijuana for those who are ill, fire, Rove, Wolfowitz, Perle and the other Neo-cons and bring some Nuns to the White House to run the charities for you. If I think of anything else, I’ll get back to you.”

“What happened then, what did he say?”

“He fainted and when he woke up he grabbed a bottle of Chianti and chugalugged it, and then fainted again. I left for home.”

“You have become in a few short weeks, an icon. You are going to be on the Letterman, show this week, Madonna wants you to sing a duet with her, Jessica Alba and Monica Bellucci want to make a movie with you, and the pope is asking if you would take over his PR. Everyone is talking about you, how does if feel to suddenly be so famous?”

“Depends on what they are saying.”

“They say lots of celebrities have invited you to parties. Among them Ms Paris Hilton. How about that?”

“She’s a stitch. Lovely girl. Except that she frequently likes to take a chive and herring bath. Her beauty guru says it’s good for her libido.”

“Is it?”

“You would have to ask her, that!”

“What about Tiffani, would you say she was a very deep, or philosophical, or religious young lady?”

“Deep? Yes! But mostly about fashion, but, Well, she did bring up God a lot.”

“How, what did she say?”

“She kept shouting, Oh God, Oh my God, don’t ever stop! Ohhh, God, Peter, Ohhh!”

“I see. Tell us about that triple play you hit into Tuesday with the bases loaded.”

“Bases were loaded and I lined into a triple play.”

“So, what did you think, then?”

“That I was out and that it was highly unlikely that we would score in that inning.”

“What did you hit on that pitch for a triple with the bags loaded?”

“A Spaulding Baseball.”

“What happened, then, yesterday after you hit the bags loaded triple in the 8th to put the Yankees in the lead and the Indians rallied to score 3 runs in the 9th to beat you guys.”

“We lost.”

“How is Tiffani, doing?”

“Ummm, Yes!”

“Thanks for talking to us. Now you get to go home to Tiffani?”

“YES! YES! YES!”

Posted by PETE BAGNOLO at 9:30 AM Links to this post