Thursday, November 09, 2006

THE AFTERMATH...

Today there was an actual radio ad recruiting for the CIA!
SERVE YOUR COUNTRY AS A CIA OFFICER! The Glamour, the Glory, the benefits of satisfactorily, fulfilling your life long dreams of Domination and Human Testing.
The qualities and qualifications preferred are: Membership in the Vlad The Impaler Fan Club, a carefree streak of Sadomasochism, a vacant sense of ethics, and must not be encumbered by the fictional (hahaha) “conscience”, must like Doberman Pinschers, having worked in a Slaughterhouse or Meatpacking House is a plus.

My guess is that some of those whose time is up are fleeing to better jobs before the wave of investigations, indictments, Dishonorable Discharges and Firing Squads Begins.
Better jobs like, executioners, cattle prodders and branders, Baby Seal Clubbing Dispatchers, Stock Market Analysts, Investment Bankers and divorce lawyers.

I heard that next week they are setting up recruiting stations for the CIA and former Concentration Camp Guards, at Institutions of Lower Education: schools for the Morally Retarded and the Ethically Challenged, The School of Underwater Skiing, The Eichmann School of Sewing up orifices, The Edi Amin School of Sadistic Studies Certificates, and the Marquis DeSade’ School of Inaccu-rate-Puncture Wounds.

It was reported that, the USA Ambassador of Bad Will to the UN is changing jobs soon, he has been hired by the CRCG-The Christian Right Churches Group to alienate everyone else on the planet, especially in the USA and Mid-east, which they missed over the last four years.

Mr. P.Rick Santorum has been recruited as liaison to two SPHH (Single Parents Head of Household) divisions: (1) Widows with Children Of 9-11-01 and (2) Widows of the Iraq War.
Their Patron saint is the Widowed Virgin Mary (Saint Joseph Died Young) and God the Father, Who as far as we know has never married but was the direct DNA Father of one Jesus of Nazareth and the StepFather and sole support of at least 6,000,000,000 other humans. Slighting either of these two could cause a person to at least lose their jobs and be forced to migrate to a place where the Sun Don’t Shine, but nevertheless is a MUCH hotter and darker climate.

America is likewise parachuting Mr. Haggard into the Sing-Sing Bath-House to convert the male Prisoners, armed with nothing but a bar of soap, some marbles and a jar of BrillCream.

Mr. Bush asked what Speaker Nancy Pelosi meant when she tweaked his checks and said, “Duckkee-wuckee will need a crutch until November 2008!”

Contrary to popular belief, the president is not unhappy with the Campaign suggestions and ideas of Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, because rumor has it that he is already planning a new assignment for them: Joint Ambassadors to The Sunni-Shiite Guerilla Training Camp. Their suits were knitted while in prison as a goodwill gesture, by Saddam Hussein, and on the back they have the logo of a Department Store Chain, what is it…? Umm, Not Kohl’s… not Wal-Mart, or Kmart, or ..., Oh yeah, yeah, TARGET!

I also hear that both Pat Robertson and Jerry Fallwell were given choice of plum new assignments by their respective churches. They are to establish a presence on either:
A-the moon
B-The Top of Mt Vesuvius
Or
C- Los Alamos

Posted by PETE BAGNOLO at 8:09 PM Links to this post


MY DAY AT THE ZOO, ERRR THE POLLING PLACE

I am writing to tell you of my weird voting experience the other day when I voted in the mid-term elections. It was fun. The polling place, a church, place was full of people, most of them just there for the coffee and rolls, but got chased away because the coffee and rolls were for the poll watchers, the volunteers and the squirrels.

The POLL WATCHERS were mostly from the nearby Oliver Wendall Holmes Retirement Home, most of whom seemed poorly informed because they sat in the parking lot WATCHING THE TELELPHONE POLES all day long. There was only one irregularity reported, when one of the poll watchers, an 85 year old woman claimed that a Telephone Pole had accosted voters within the banned area for politicking. This elderly lady leaped to her feet like a baseline umpire, dramatically pointed at the dividing line on the sidewalk and shouted in a loud voice, “FOUL POLE!” and rang up the violator with another dramatic, "You're-out!" Gesture. Later she was assured that the telephone pole had not advised voters, but was merely offering them coffee and rolls, to which she answered, “Oh, yeah, well then why was it wearing a red beanie and a tie with a picture of May West on it?”

I decided to try the electronic booths just to see if they were really as corrupt as people have said. I signed in and was immediately asked by the machine if I was voting a Straight Ticket, to which I answered, “Oh are there homosexuals on the ballot?” The machine then said, “If you want your vote to count, slip $50.00 into my slot or I’ll reverse your votes!”, when I tried to vote for a Democrat it grabbed my voting hand and called me a ‘Bleeding hearted Liberal’, but I had fooled it by feinting to vote left-handed, while I deftly flipped the stylus to my right hand, cast my vote and rang it up before the machine could let go of my arm. As I left the booth, the machine, in an act of desperate spitefulness, gave me an electric shock, which didn’t affect me much if you don’t count my waddling about like a duck, flapping my arms while floating, nose in the air in the pond outside the polling place, wearing a beanie with a propeller on top, and quacking, “I am Donald Duck and The Republicans are covertly draining gasoline from the pumps and replacing it with low yield, poor mileage, Extra Virgin, Mazzola Oil!” (Wrung from spare-virgins.)

Some of my friends were not as fortunate, one of them saw his votes for the democratic candidate for the senate, converted to early votes for Jeb Bush for president in the 2008 elections. Unfortunately for Bush, the votes did not count because my friend was observed being accosted by the same Telephone Pole now completely out of it’s district and demanding that my friend vote for Dan Quayle. The pole was arrested, cuffed and emailed to Afghanistan. Dan Quayle was also arrested on a related charge of guilt by association, his cousin Orville-a closely related relative and a logger, had cut down the pole the same morning, having been given the day off for soliciting a Moose to wear a different brand of red wool-underwear in summer.

A week after my voting booth experience, I stepped on my glasses while taking tea on the veranda, I didn’t drink the tea, I just took it and hid it in my shoe. Later that same day, still without my glasses, I began dating a shapely 19 year old pelican, (I thought it was a petite girl in low cut white tights, with yellow shoes, but when it rejected my advances I left in a huff. However, I quickly realizing my mistake, got out of the huff and left in a taxicab. Now, safely at home and all the wiser for my experience, I began only dating mature women from my past, the gals at the Oliver Wendall Holmes Retirement Home. I still haven't found a new pair of glasses, but they say ignorance is bliss. Therefore, what I don't see of these ladies, won't bother me.

Posted by PETE BAGNOLO at 8:38 AM Links to this post